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Friday, February 14, 2014

To my husband on this Valentine's day


Is there a time when you feel whole?

Is there a time when you’re finally complete?

Is there a place to find the missing piece?

I know it’s out there, somewhere

 

I look at myself and know

Something is not quite right

It’s not apparent

It’s not obvious

It’s not superficial

But something is missing

 

There is a hole in me

That no one can see

There is a hole in me

That only I can feel

 

For a long time I thought

I was never meant to be whole

For a long time I felt

An emptiness inside

For a long time I thought

I would drown by myself

In the void within my heart

That had frozen me inside out

 

Nobody could ever know

The real me behind the mask

I created to hide

The pain I felt inside

 

And one day you came along

Lighting the night like a flame

To help me warm

By cold, cold hands

To help me thaw and mend

My frozen broken heart

With your kind wise words

With your eyes full of love

 

I couldn’t see it for awhile

And for this I have to apologize

I was accustomed to pain

And love felt so strange

 

I was so scared

To allow anyone inside

I didn’t want you to see

What I had hidden

I didn’t what you to know

That I wasn’t whole

That I was falling into pieces

And only the ice within me

Held it all together

 

I tried to push you away

As hard as I could

But no matter what I said

No matter what I did

You were always there for me

Holding my hand and loving me

 

Until one day I finally felt

The ice had melted

A long time ago

The thing that I was missing

That would make me whole

Had come into my life

And I didn’t notice at all

 

What I once thought

I would never reach

Was finally within my grasp

 

I need only to stretch my hand

Turn around

Look up

Look down

And it would be there

All around me

Embracing me

Keeping me warm

 

And I felt the void shrinking

Being filled

Replaced

By what I thought was impossible

 

Not only did you taught me

What it’s like to be loved

What it’s like to love you

You taught me to love myself

And let you love me the way you do

 

Now I feel unstoppable

With you by my side

And me by yours

And together we walk

Through this patched road called life

Helping each other along the way

 

If you fall

I’d help you get back up

And if I fall I know

You will catch me

Before I hit the ground

And keep me in your arms

Until I’m well enough

To stand on my own

I when you hold me so

I never want to let you go

 

Isn’t it transparent?

Isn’t it obvious?

It’s now floating in the surface

Even if no one else can see it

Even if no one else can feel it

You are that what I was missing

You are that which completes me

Your are my one

My prince charming

My savior

My knight

 

I love you my darling

And I forever will

Until the day comes

When we are no longer on Earth

But dancing among Angels

And then,

I will love you after that, as well

Friday, November 29, 2013

I wish I was better, but I'm not... :S

Sometimes I wish that one day I'll wake up and I'll be this great wife and mother and that I have this happy family with kids that love and respect me, but then I wake up and nothing is like that.

I know I should be paying more attention to my kids and that I should be able to provide them with a loving environment, with some structure and who knows what else I am not doing right.

But then again, what else is new.  I'm an awful mother and an awful wife.  It may seem like I don't care, but truth is I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

Sometimes I feel like the only thing I'm good at is disappointing everyone and feeling sorry for myself.  I wish I could say that I am dealing with it, but I'm not.  I have no idea how to deal with it.  Who should I talk to about things like this?  Who is out there that can give me some advice?

I know I shouldn't complain, but most of the times I feel like I'm alone.  Honestly I have no one to talk to and I think I lost myself years ago.

I'm always moody and feel like killing myself every other day.  What's the point?  Sometimes I feel like it wouldn't be much of a loss.  It's not like I'm doing a great job being a mom or being a wife or being a daughter or a sister.

I think that the only thing that's keeping me from doing anything too drastic nowadays is that for the first time they actually need something from me, at least for now.  Once my husband gets a better job and my paycheck is no longer as needed as it is now, there will actually be no use for me in this world.

I know.  I'm being a bit extremist, but this is how I feel.  I wish I could flick a switch turn it off, but I can't.

Most of the time I wonder how good it is for my children to have me around or if they would actually be better off without me.  Like I'm leaving more scars on them by actually being here than if I'm not.  I have no idea how to raise them, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do.  I know that no parent knows for sure all of this and that somehow every parent in the world is actually winging it, but I feel like I'm the worst at it.

I think that they would probably be better of being raised by my parents or just my husband since apparently I'm not even here anyway.  I feel invisible.  I have no voice, no saying in anything and a part of me likes it because it gives me a way out and I don't have to deal with anything.

It is so frustrating to try to impose some sort of discipline when they don't hear you at all.  Nobody listens to a word I say, so why waste energy and saliva trying to get someone to listen to what I say.  No point at all.

Well, I think that's enough for tonight.. not that anyone would actually read this, but it makes me feel a bit better just to get it out of my system.


Friday, August 23, 2013

Harry Potter and Me

I just finished reading “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” for the umpteenth time.  I couldn’t tell you the exact number of times I’ve the series as it would be rather difficult.  One thing I can say though is that I was already all grown up when I read the first book.
I’m one of those late fans who saw the first couple of movies before I actually read any of the books.  In my defense, when the first movie was released, Harry Potter was unheard of where I come from.  A friend of mine had read some of the books before the movie was released, but we were all at college at the time.
I will not go about saying that Harry Potter changed my life dramatically or that the book series helped save my life or something like that.  No, what the series of books and movies did, was give me something to distract me from day to day life specially on those boring days where I had nothing to do, it filled my hours with extraordinary adventures, laughs and tears.  It gave me something to bond with my sister.  It gaves us inside jokes that not many people understand.
At the time when I first read the first book it made me think of a lot of things.  I think that what I like best about these books is that they are really timeless and that’s why they made great movies, which is also why I think they appeal to both kids and adults alike. The troubles they face as people, (leaving  out the magic) is very relatable.  How you were bullied at school and how you come about making friendships that will last a lifetime.
 What would you do when facing a great evil?  Would you hide?  Would you stand up and fight?  Or would  you do the unthinkable and join the other side?  Every time I’ve read each of the books, I’ve learned something about myself.  Granted these are not self help books or filled with tips to help you get through the day to day, but as I’ve grown, I’ve seem to understand a bit more about the characters and their actions and how that reflects upon how I act in real life and my relationship with my kids and my parents.
We are living in an age where taking a stroll down the block is unthinkable.  Walking by yourself after dark is considered a great stupidity on your part as you are setting yourself up to bad things happening to you.  Evil lurks in every corner and we don’t have magic wands to produce a patronus to protect ourselves from  a real life dementor that wants to eat our souls.
  We lare living in an age where we are not sure who to trust and it’s sad to think that our children don’t have the same liberties we had.  But it’s been coming for a while.  I hear stories from when my mom and dad were young and I can’t believe they got to do all the stuff they could do back then.  Things I wasn’t allowed to do and things that my kids won’t ever even consider doing.
Granted, the violence may have been more explosive when I was young with the internal conflict and all that stuff.  But even if a peace treaty was signed between the government and the paramilitar forces, it doesn’t really mean anything when you have people being gunned down for a cell phone.  Bus drivers begin killed because they don’t have the money to pay off the extorsionists.  It’s incredible that even the gangsters are expecting a Christmas bonus at the end of the year.
Anyway, I think I’m getting a bit off track here, but the point is that given the current situation, the Harry Potter books actually give me a bit of hope.  They give me a couple of hours of peace of mind.  They inspire me to do other things and they awake my creativity as nothing else has.
I know it sounds silly, and it probably is.  The Harry Potter books help me look at the troubles of life with a different perspective.  To know that your loved ones never really leave you and they are within you to help you face your greatest fears.  To know that everything happens for a reason.  That even though you may not understand what is going on, everything will unfold and make sense in the end.  You have to be prepared to accept what was meant to be and fight for what you believe to be right and true.  And never forget that love is the ultimate weapon against evil.
 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The running girl

As you can probably tell by some of my previous posts, I tend to be a very negative person and there are few things that actually bring me joy.

I am trying to change the way I view myself, which is nothing new as every other month I promise myself not to care what other people say and be happy with who I am.  There's no need to tell you that I've never been able to keep that promise and I almost always end up wanting to hide under my bed till the world ends.

Since it's not likely that I would ever be able to do that, I've decided to take baby steps and start taking care of myself and try not to feel guilty in the process.  Some of you may know how difficult it is for a mom to take time for herself without feeling like you're being selfish

Within this changing world you would be crazy not to do some minor changes yourself as well.  Instead of making promises which I know I won't keep, or that are easily broken, I've been taking each day as it comes.  There is obviously some planning ahead in regards of going places and stuff, but in general I've decided not to stress about the things I cannot control and do my best on the things I do control.

For instance, I cannot control traffic, but I can control how early I leave the house so I won't be late for work.  I cannot control (no matter how much I want to) what comes out of my kid's mouth, but I can control how I react to it.

So I started running again.  I even register to run the City's 21K race in August.  Don't ask me what made me do it, because I don't know it myself.  I think it was merely a desire to know if I'm capable of such a thing.  I stopped going to the running group because I always felt discouraged that I couldn't run as far or as fast as most of the other runners and it was awful.

This time around I went in with a different mindset.  I stop caring if the same guy passed me a hundred times.  It was not about how far or how fast that guy could run, it's about how can I improve to be able to finish the race without wanting to die in the middle of it.  I started creating my own goals.  "This week I'll run for 30 minutes straight without stopping"  "This week I'll run 5K" "Last week I ran 5K, this week I'll run 7" and so on.

And it worked!!! I may not be ready for the 21K yet, but I'm getting there.  And as I said my goal is just to finish it and still be in one piece.  I'm not trying to finish the 21K in hour, but maybe that could be next year's goal.  There are plenty of races still left this year, we'll see.

In the meantime, I'm proud to say that yesterday I ran my fastest 10K ever... which technically it's not that accurate as it's the first time I've ever run 10K, but still.  According to my Nike+ app (which I love BTW) I ran 10.17 km in 59:46 mins, with an average pace of 5'53" per km.  

The greatest part was that I didn't feel as tired as I thought I was going to feel.  I mean, there were times on previous runs, when I felt like I was dying and I wasn't going as fast as did yesterday.  So yay me!

Once I get internet back on my phone and I can sync my runs, I'll show you some screenshots of my achievements in the past month.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Pintester Movement


So it took me forever to finally decide which pin I would do for the Pintester Movement; and I mean forever.

I wanted something that didn't require any special skills and or special ingredients or supplies.  As usual, I'm completely broke and couldn't afford to buy anything at all so it had to be something I could do with whatever I already had at home which wasn't as much.

I didn't want to cook anything because that meant having one (or all) of the kids on top of me trying to it themselves and I always freak out a bit whenever the kids are in the kitchen while anything is turned on, hot and may be within reach.  You know, safety first.

I wanted something that was challenging but also doable and did not require more than one afternoon.  All crafts were out of the question because that is another thing I like doing while the kids are up since I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to my crafting and hate answering a gazillion questions that don't let me concentrate on the task at hand and I always end up super frustrated that the thing I'm doing doesn't match what I have in my head in the least.

So it came down to nails or hair.  This is because I'm a klutz when it comes to doing either and whenever I do my nails my left hand ends up beautiful while my right hand looks like crap.  ALWAYS!  No matter how careful I am, I always end up with at least two nails ruined on my right hand because apparently I can't leave my hands still long enough for the polish to dry completely before I have to do something else like preparing a baby bottle, or having to find something at the bottom of my purse.

So in the end I settle for this:


I have short hair and I'm short so it was definitely meant for me, right?  So here's me before I started trying to remember how to braid:


Look at me! All excited!!! It's not every day that I post my face anywhere hahahaha....

So the first thing was to do some curls with the curling iron which I haven't used in ages!!!


Do you see any curls?  Because I looked and looked and looked for them but none decided to appear.  I think I wasn't doing it right, but frankly curling irons frighten me a bit.  I didn't want to end up with a chunk of burned hair in my hand like that chick from that video...

Anyway, I decided to proceed and with the help of my lovely assistant:

I went on, but no such luck:




Nope, does not look anything like the picture at all:



Any suggestions??

Thursday, April 11, 2013

BBYRAL Introduction

So, the first video in the series is up!!!  Though, technically it is the second video, but I don't think the announcement counts.

This is so exciting!!!


I'm still hesitant about all this, so I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me to give me a kind word and congratulate me for doing this.  Thank you for your encouragement.  It's nice to see that this is not a complete waste of time.

As you may have noticed, I'm still struggling with my negative mind-sets, but I'm working on it.  We will talk more about this on the next chapter.  So be on the look out for the next video, remember to suscribe to my YouTube channel or signup here so you won't miss it.

Cheers and God bless you all,

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Una Vida Con Propósito

Despues de mucho pensar, y debatir conmigo misma, al  fin ayer puse manos a la obra y grabé mis primeros videos.

No es nada super de otro mundo, pero es algo que siempre he querido hacer y senti que ya llego el momento de ponerme en acción.  Aun si nadie ve los videos, creo que lo mas importante es que al fin estoy haciendo algo y no estoy echadota en mi cama sin hacer nada.

Como no estoy segura si alguien los va a ver o no, decidi hacer algo que el menos me va a dejar algo bueno al final.  Decidi hacer una serie de lecturas del libro de Rick Warren "Una Vida Con Proposito".  Al menos me aseguro de tener algo que hacer por los proximos 40 dias.

Aqui les dejo el link de la playlist que estoy armando para tener todos los videos en un solo lugar.  Conforme vaya subiendo los videos los voy a ir agregando al playlist.

La idea es subir el video y luego postear aca comentarios y pensamientos y cosas que aprendi sobre la lectura del dia y que ustedes puedan compartir conmigo lo que ustedes aprendieron y asi aprender los unos de los otros y todo eso.

Este es el video que hice anunciado el inicio de tal travesia.. hehehehe



Asi que echenme porras a ver que tal.  Lo que si les advierto, es que para ahorrarme un poquito de tiempo (ya saben con un esposo, tres hijos y un trabajo de tiempo completo estoy algo apretada de tiempo todos los dias) los videos los estoy subiendo sin editar.  Asi como soy.  Una loca y media.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Become a Better You Read A Long

After a lot of thought and debating with myself I finally went ahead and recorded my first video.

I decided to do something worthwhile even if nobody ever watch them I least I will learn something or at least I will take something good out of making these videos.

I am doing two read a longs one in English and one in Spanish.

As you may have guessed from the title of this post, the on in English is for Joel Osteen's book "Become a Better You".

The idea is to read one chapter a day, and then come back here to post some thoughts or comments regarding the day's reading.

I only hope my children will allow me to do this every day, or at least from Monday through Friday.. let's see how it goes.  In the meantime, here's the link for the playlist. I thought it would be better to create the playlist from the get go so it would be easier to find each video.

Since the idea is to create a post to accompany each video, I will also post links to each individual video.

So here's the announcement:


I know, I don't really look my best but hey, I thought "it's now or never" so I didn't really put much attention to my look.

Another thing I must point out, is that I have decided to upload unedited videos.  This is mostly to save time and because I'm not really good at this yet and I figured I would just show myself as I am.

If you like the idea, give it a thumbs up :D

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Celtic Knot

Ok, so I've been a little obsessed with Pinterest  lately.  It's just full of cool stuff and it makes it so easier to kep track of things I would like to try.

This time I found this gorgeous Celtic Knot Bracelet step by step that I totally had to try:

 

Since I was only trying it out, I just did a small sample of it to try to get a better feeling on the knot.  I did it all, then undo it and did it again several times until I was able to make all the knots the same size without much readjustments.


One thing I did do that was not on the step by step was tying a knot to the ends of my strands:


This made it easier to go through all the loops and not get "too" tangled.  I am totally going to try this again.  I'll try to adapt it to become a watch band.

Let's see how it goes.

Monday, March 4, 2013

DIY Beading Club Giveaway

Hello people....

If you like bead work, or wire work or jewelry making or simply wanting to learn some new and interesting skill, check out this giveaway from DIY Beading Club.

The club works on a package plan where at least 5 tutorials are issued per month in a PDF magazine format.  In this giveaway 20 lucky winners will receive a voucher each to redeem one monthly issue of their choice which comprises of 5 different jewelry lessons.

For more details go The Beading Gem's Journal Giveaway Post

Good luck!


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