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Friday, October 1, 2010

An apology

First of all I want to start by apologizing to everyone at Ravelry who counted on me this month and that I've let down. I don't even know what to say, except that I feel truly ashamed of how things turned out.  September was truly not my month at all in so many levels.

I started the month so excited for the new assignments on the HPKCHC group.  I even had a list of possible patterns for all eight classes and in my head I was able to turn in everything.  I was appointed a First year blogger and I had all this great ideas.  But things didn't go exactly as I expected.

Things at home haven't been so great lately with my husband stressing about everything especially all the things we have to pay in a monthly basis which seems to increase each month.  Things at work haven't been all great for him since there are rumors that the company might be sold and there is a huge possibility that he will loose his job. 

When I found that I was pregnant, I waited over a week or so before telling him, because I knew he was going to stress even more from all the expenses that a new child brings.  I was so worried about his reaction that I think that was the moment when the depression started creeping up at me without me even noticing.  I am weird.  Instead of stressing, I get depressed and the world just stop making sense to me.

This made everything Ravelry related go out of my mind for a while, but not quite.  I figured I would turn in at least one project at the end for the House Cup and then send my package for Ginger for the Compassionate Yarn Artists group, stitchmarker swap, a couple of weeks ago, but it didn't turn out like that either.

I got mugged two weeks ago.  The first time I've ever been mugged!  It was scary.  The guy took my phone and I have been incommunicado ever since, since I can't get a replacement until today.  Hopefully (fingers crossed).  This only added to my ever increasing depression and the fact that I had my money counted almost to the cent and now I have to spend who knows how much for the replacement didn't help one bit.

I've been feeling so down and ashamed that I have been avoiding Ravelry for a long time now since I didn't know what to do with myself.  I want to assure Ginger and Ann that I don't know what I'm going to do but I will send my package.  It will be a small package nevertheless since I'm trying to keep the shipping cost at the minimum.  I already have everything ready but I hope I still have enough money left to send the package tomorrow after paying for the phone. If  I do, I'll go to the post office tomorrow no matter what, even if it means I have to walk under the rain to get there if I can't have my husband to take me.  (I hate not having a car anymore).  If not then I'll see if my mom can lend me some money to send it next week since my next paycheck will come until the 8th; and this has been going on for a long time now.  This is the last swap I'll participate.

To the people over at the Amigurumi Newsletter, I am so sorry.  I had planned doing a gumba but I haven't feel emotionally inclined to pick up a hook in almost a month now.  I'll try to get better soon.

I have let the depression run me over and truth be told, I sometimes find myself almost force-feeding myself just for the baby's sake.  It would be so easy just to let go and crawl in my little dark hole.  It's been so hard since I don't really have an outlet to let everything out and the feeling that nobody cares just keeps coming back every other time and this time it came too strong for me to fight it.  I haven't been feeling strong enough to fulfill my duty as a Prayer Warrior and I am truly sory for that.

I am sorry for this long post, but I figured that it was easier this way than posting the same thing on all groups.  I know I just lost my place at the Tower and people are not too happy with me just now, but this is the best I can do right now.  I can only apologize and hope that you'll forgive me.

I don't expect any special treatment, but just a little understanding and that you guys will pray for me to get out of this black spot I'm in right now.

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