Friday, November 29, 2013
I know I should be paying more attention to my kids and that I should be able to provide them with a loving environment, with some structure and who knows what else I am not doing right.
But then again, what else is new. I'm an awful mother and an awful wife. It may seem like I don't care, but truth is I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.
Sometimes I feel like the only thing I'm good at is disappointing everyone and feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could say that I am dealing with it, but I'm not. I have no idea how to deal with it. Who should I talk to about things like this? Who is out there that can give me some advice?
I know I shouldn't complain, but most of the times I feel like I'm alone. Honestly I have no one to talk to and I think I lost myself years ago.
I'm always moody and feel like killing myself every other day. What's the point? Sometimes I feel like it wouldn't be much of a loss. It's not like I'm doing a great job being a mom or being a wife or being a daughter or a sister.
I think that the only thing that's keeping me from doing anything too drastic nowadays is that for the first time they actually need something from me, at least for now. Once my husband gets a better job and my paycheck is no longer as needed as it is now, there will actually be no use for me in this world.
I know. I'm being a bit extremist, but this is how I feel. I wish I could flick a switch turn it off, but I can't.
Most of the time I wonder how good it is for my children to have me around or if they would actually be better off without me. Like I'm leaving more scars on them by actually being here than if I'm not. I have no idea how to raise them, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do. I know that no parent knows for sure all of this and that somehow every parent in the world is actually winging it, but I feel like I'm the worst at it.
I think that they would probably be better of being raised by my parents or just my husband since apparently I'm not even here anyway. I feel invisible. I have no voice, no saying in anything and a part of me likes it because it gives me a way out and I don't have to deal with anything.
It is so frustrating to try to impose some sort of discipline when they don't hear you at all. Nobody listens to a word I say, so why waste energy and saliva trying to get someone to listen to what I say. No point at all.
Well, I think that's enough for tonight.. not that anyone would actually read this, but it makes me feel a bit better just to get it out of my system.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
I am trying to change the way I view myself, which is nothing new as every other month I promise myself not to care what other people say and be happy with who I am. There's no need to tell you that I've never been able to keep that promise and I almost always end up wanting to hide under my bed till the world ends.
Since it's not likely that I would ever be able to do that, I've decided to take baby steps and start taking care of myself and try not to feel guilty in the process. Some of you may know how difficult it is for a mom to take time for herself without feeling like you're being selfish
Within this changing world you would be crazy not to do some minor changes yourself as well. Instead of making promises which I know I won't keep, or that are easily broken, I've been taking each day as it comes. There is obviously some planning ahead in regards of going places and stuff, but in general I've decided not to stress about the things I cannot control and do my best on the things I do control.
For instance, I cannot control traffic, but I can control how early I leave the house so I won't be late for work. I cannot control (no matter how much I want to) what comes out of my kid's mouth, but I can control how I react to it.
So I started running again. I even register to run the City's 21K race in August. Don't ask me what made me do it, because I don't know it myself. I think it was merely a desire to know if I'm capable of such a thing. I stopped going to the running group because I always felt discouraged that I couldn't run as far or as fast as most of the other runners and it was awful.
This time around I went in with a different mindset. I stop caring if the same guy passed me a hundred times. It was not about how far or how fast that guy could run, it's about how can I improve to be able to finish the race without wanting to die in the middle of it. I started creating my own goals. "This week I'll run for 30 minutes straight without stopping" "This week I'll run 5K" "Last week I ran 5K, this week I'll run 7" and so on.
And it worked!!! I may not be ready for the 21K yet, but I'm getting there. And as I said my goal is just to finish it and still be in one piece. I'm not trying to finish the 21K in hour, but maybe that could be next year's goal. There are plenty of races still left this year, we'll see.
In the meantime, I'm proud to say that yesterday I ran my fastest 10K ever... which technically it's not that accurate as it's the first time I've ever run 10K, but still. According to my Nike+ app (which I love BTW) I ran 10.17 km in 59:46 mins, with an average pace of 5'53" per km.
The greatest part was that I didn't feel as tired as I thought I was going to feel. I mean, there were times on previous runs, when I felt like I was dying and I wasn't going as fast as did yesterday. So yay me!
Once I get internet back on my phone and I can sync my runs, I'll show you some screenshots of my achievements in the past month.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
So it took me forever to finally decide which pin I would do for the Pintester Movement; and I mean forever.
I wanted something that didn't require any special skills and or special ingredients or supplies. As usual, I'm completely broke and couldn't afford to buy anything at all so it had to be something I could do with whatever I already had at home which wasn't as much.
I didn't want to cook anything because that meant having one (or all) of the kids on top of me trying to it themselves and I always freak out a bit whenever the kids are in the kitchen while anything is turned on, hot and may be within reach. You know, safety first.
I wanted something that was challenging but also doable and did not require more than one afternoon. All crafts were out of the question because that is another thing I like doing while the kids are up since I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to my crafting and hate answering a gazillion questions that don't let me concentrate on the task at hand and I always end up super frustrated that the thing I'm doing doesn't match what I have in my head in the least.
So it came down to nails or hair. This is because I'm a klutz when it comes to doing either and whenever I do my nails my left hand ends up beautiful while my right hand looks like crap. ALWAYS! No matter how careful I am, I always end up with at least two nails ruined on my right hand because apparently I can't leave my hands still long enough for the polish to dry completely before I have to do something else like preparing a baby bottle, or having to find something at the bottom of my purse.
So in the end I settle for this:
I have short hair and I'm short so it was definitely meant for me, right? So here's me before I started trying to remember how to braid:
Nope, does not look anything like the picture at all:
Thursday, April 11, 2013
This is so exciting!!!
I'm still hesitant about all this, so I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me to give me a kind word and congratulate me for doing this. Thank you for your encouragement. It's nice to see that this is not a complete waste of time.
As you may have noticed, I'm still struggling with my negative mind-sets, but I'm working on it. We will talk more about this on the next chapter. So be on the look out for the next video, remember to suscribe to my YouTube channel or signup here so you won't miss it.
Cheers and God bless you all,
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
No es nada super de otro mundo, pero es algo que siempre he querido hacer y senti que ya llego el momento de ponerme en acción. Aun si nadie ve los videos, creo que lo mas importante es que al fin estoy haciendo algo y no estoy echadota en mi cama sin hacer nada.
Como no estoy segura si alguien los va a ver o no, decidi hacer algo que el menos me va a dejar algo bueno al final. Decidi hacer una serie de lecturas del libro de Rick Warren "Una Vida Con Proposito". Al menos me aseguro de tener algo que hacer por los proximos 40 dias.
Aqui les dejo el link de la playlist que estoy armando para tener todos los videos en un solo lugar. Conforme vaya subiendo los videos los voy a ir agregando al playlist.
La idea es subir el video y luego postear aca comentarios y pensamientos y cosas que aprendi sobre la lectura del dia y que ustedes puedan compartir conmigo lo que ustedes aprendieron y asi aprender los unos de los otros y todo eso.
Este es el video que hice anunciado el inicio de tal travesia.. hehehehe
Asi que echenme porras a ver que tal. Lo que si les advierto, es que para ahorrarme un poquito de tiempo (ya saben con un esposo, tres hijos y un trabajo de tiempo completo estoy algo apretada de tiempo todos los dias) los videos los estoy subiendo sin editar. Asi como soy. Una loca y media.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I decided to do something worthwhile even if nobody ever watch them I least I will learn something or at least I will take something good out of making these videos.
I am doing two read a longs one in English and one in Spanish.
As you may have guessed from the title of this post, the on in English is for Joel Osteen's book "Become a Better You".
The idea is to read one chapter a day, and then come back here to post some thoughts or comments regarding the day's reading.
I only hope my children will allow me to do this every day, or at least from Monday through Friday.. let's see how it goes. In the meantime, here's the link for the playlist. I thought it would be better to create the playlist from the get go so it would be easier to find each video.
Since the idea is to create a post to accompany each video, I will also post links to each individual video.
So here's the announcement:
I know, I don't really look my best but hey, I thought "it's now or never" so I didn't really put much attention to my look.
Another thing I must point out, is that I have decided to upload unedited videos. This is mostly to save time and because I'm not really good at this yet and I figured I would just show myself as I am.
If you like the idea, give it a thumbs up :D
Thursday, March 7, 2013
This time I found this gorgeous Celtic Knot Bracelet step by step that I totally had to try:
Since I was only trying it out, I just did a small sample of it to try to get a better feeling on the knot. I did it all, then undo it and did it again several times until I was able to make all the knots the same size without much readjustments.
One thing I did do that was not on the step by step was tying a knot to the ends of my strands:
This made it easier to go through all the loops and not get "too" tangled. I am totally going to try this again. I'll try to adapt it to become a watch band.
Let's see how it goes.
Monday, March 4, 2013
If you like bead work, or wire work or jewelry making or simply wanting to learn some new and interesting skill, check out this giveaway from DIY Beading Club.
The club works on a package plan where at least 5 tutorials are issued per month in a PDF magazine format. In this giveaway 20 lucky winners will receive a voucher each to redeem one monthly issue of their choice which comprises of 5 different jewelry lessons.
For more details go The Beading Gem's Journal Giveaway Post
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Maybe I can call it the year of new begginings.
Both my hubby and I have started news jobs to go along the new year. Both are related to what we used to do before but still completely different.
One thing I know for sure is that at the moment, the changes I'm
facing are not as significant as the ones my hubby is facing. He seems to be having a hard time adjusting to all the new things he's required to do now. I try to help him as much as I can but sometimes he feels so overwhelmed that it's hard to motivate him to keep going and let him know that no matter what I will still love him and that everything will be ok.
I hope that this means that better things are coming for us and that this year will be way better than last. Wish us luck!