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Friday, November 29, 2013

I wish I was better, but I'm not... :S

Sometimes I wish that one day I'll wake up and I'll be this great wife and mother and that I have this happy family with kids that love and respect me, but then I wake up and nothing is like that.

I know I should be paying more attention to my kids and that I should be able to provide them with a loving environment, with some structure and who knows what else I am not doing right.

But then again, what else is new.  I'm an awful mother and an awful wife.  It may seem like I don't care, but truth is I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

Sometimes I feel like the only thing I'm good at is disappointing everyone and feeling sorry for myself.  I wish I could say that I am dealing with it, but I'm not.  I have no idea how to deal with it.  Who should I talk to about things like this?  Who is out there that can give me some advice?

I know I shouldn't complain, but most of the times I feel like I'm alone.  Honestly I have no one to talk to and I think I lost myself years ago.

I'm always moody and feel like killing myself every other day.  What's the point?  Sometimes I feel like it wouldn't be much of a loss.  It's not like I'm doing a great job being a mom or being a wife or being a daughter or a sister.

I think that the only thing that's keeping me from doing anything too drastic nowadays is that for the first time they actually need something from me, at least for now.  Once my husband gets a better job and my paycheck is no longer as needed as it is now, there will actually be no use for me in this world.

I know.  I'm being a bit extremist, but this is how I feel.  I wish I could flick a switch turn it off, but I can't.

Most of the time I wonder how good it is for my children to have me around or if they would actually be better off without me.  Like I'm leaving more scars on them by actually being here than if I'm not.  I have no idea how to raise them, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do.  I know that no parent knows for sure all of this and that somehow every parent in the world is actually winging it, but I feel like I'm the worst at it.

I think that they would probably be better of being raised by my parents or just my husband since apparently I'm not even here anyway.  I feel invisible.  I have no voice, no saying in anything and a part of me likes it because it gives me a way out and I don't have to deal with anything.

It is so frustrating to try to impose some sort of discipline when they don't hear you at all.  Nobody listens to a word I say, so why waste energy and saliva trying to get someone to listen to what I say.  No point at all.

Well, I think that's enough for tonight.. not that anyone would actually read this, but it makes me feel a bit better just to get it out of my system.


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